| copied from myspace, life thing. ick. |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|07:45 pm] |
okay, I know I never talk about my life, and it's not healthy. i really need to get it all out there and stop hiding everything from everyone. so here it goes...
Don't let me regret this.
Do not leave me comments showing pity!
None of this is for that.
I don't want to see "omg I'm so sorry"
Nor anything of the sort, thanks.
I'm not sorry, I have an amazing life
What's happened in it has molded me into what I am now. I wouldn't change anything that's ever happened to me.
I'm doing this to get it out.
To start fresh.
To feel good about starting new.
It's time to do this.
Now, or never.
Some of this is secondhand information that my family has filled me in on; mostly my childhood. Everything is real, no point of making up stuff like this, right? Right!
I was born at 8:31 on August 31, 1990. My mom and dad were young, 15 and 18 to be exact. After coming home from the hospital we moved into a house up Campbells Creek with some of her family. They were druggies, always have been and always will be. Mawmaw came to visit us and saw the living conditions, and immediatly demanded for mom to move in with her. We did, thank God. Upon moving in, mom and dad started fighting more and not getting along. They began to fully realize how bad of a mistake they had made. Daddy moved out, unable to deal with my insane mother. He lived with my real pawpaw and hardly ever came to see me. Mom ran around all of the time also, but she was only 15. What can you expect? Mawmaw and Pawpaw Paul raised me, with little help from either parent. I had a great childhood here. I had an amazing grandma and grandpa, my dog Blondie, my best friend Samantha, cool uncles and a love for living that has carried me through all of these years. I can remember countless nights of singing with mawmaw on our frontporch while thunderstorms rolled in. I remember the texture of the wood, the smell of the air, and the feel of the cold, wet cement touching my toes when it was time to go back inside. Mom moved to Texas when I was four, but would come visit during summer and long holiday breaks. By time I had gotten into first grade I was realizing how mom and dad really were. They broke my heart constantly. No holidays have ever been complete in my life. Typically, I'd have a mom during christmas, and a dad during thanksgiving. They seemed to trade off, unfairly mind you. Most holidays mom was there. They'd attempt to be together for my birthday, but would end up fighting and forgetting why they were really there; me. I have a selfish family, to this day. After third grade mom finally conviced mawmaw and I that coming to Texas to live was what I wanted, and was the best thing for me. She was wrong. While living out there a lot of things happened. They seem trivial to most people, but they really messed me up emotionally and mentally. We lived in a new apartment/house about every 2-3 weeks. By time I had gotten used to the layout of the complex/neighborhood we'd be packing again. It got to the point where I'd just keep everything I owned packed. She didn't understand, but I don't know how she couldn't. Almost everytime we moved I'd change schools. My grades slipped, I quit trying. I was 10 years old and I wanted to give up on life completely. Most kids that age were still talking about being doctors and makind their parents proud. Not me though, at 10 I was wearing tons of make-up, kissing boys that were 14, and acting like an idiot. Acting just like my "role-model" of a mother. Seriously, I can recall many times when I'd go outside with itty-bitty shorts on, a low cut top, (even though I was flat-chested, and hooker heels. Literally, the shoes were white, five inch tall, platform porn-star shoes. You've seen them I'm sure. Actually, I'll get a picture that looks like them for reference.
yeh, basically.
anyway, we finally moved in with my aunt, and I finally had some stability. But I became friends with a whore, and starting becoming one myself. I'm still a virgin, but still I was on the verge of becomming one. While all of this was going on I started dating this boy named Greg Wardlow. I just looked him up on myspace.. It's the first time I've seen his face since the last day I was at his house. Gosh. This is one of the hardest things to talk about really.. Greg was my first real boyfriend. one day we were at his house, in his backyard, hanging out with a few of his friends. He thought he'd be cool and try to mack in front us his friends. I wasn't into it. You know what he did after that? He held me down and molested me in front of all of them. He was just so awesome to his friends. I left, rode my bike three miles back to my aunt's house and just cried. No one was there, thankfully. I was supposed to be grounded, and I wasn't even supposed to go near him again. But no, I had to be an idiot and go back. Needless to say I left two weeks later and came back home.
after i came home things with mawmaw got rough. I was used to my pawpaw being around and they had recently split up. On top of that, the most amazing woman I've met in my life, Beth (my aunt), passed away while giving birth. The baby died a few days later. Plus, my dog got killed. :[ I had her since I was two. So, I come home, expecting my whole life to turn around immediatly and get better, but it didn't. It actually got increasingly worse. Things that didn't need to happen did, and things that could've been avoided were not.
I got started back up in school, sixth grade for the second time. I dressed really plain the first day, as to see which crowd wanted me, and when i was "chosen" how I would dress. Some old friends recognized me, and I became a part of the popular clique with the people I had known growing up. I dressed, talked, walked, and shunned just like them. Everyday I got into arguments with people who thought I was trying to steal their boyfriends 'cause I was becomming a little whore. Seriously, for being 13 I was rather naughty. No sex though, I'm still a virgin. People began to turn on me and I was left with one 'friend'. This girl got me into more trouble than I could've imagined possible. We drank, smoked, messed around with tons of boys, and were just trouble. I let myself do what she did, or wanted to do. My grandma made us stay away from each other when she spent 200 dollars on pay-per-veiw movies and long-distance. We snuck around and tried to stay close. The summer passed, and we grew apart. It nearly killed me. She was all I though I had.
Seventh grade was the beginning of my huge change. I thought I was getting better at least. At first, it really seemed like I was. Then I suddenly let myself get horribly depressed. All I ever did was sleep and smoke cigarettes. I took tylenol p.m's at all hours of the day. It got to the point that they didn't work anymore or I'd sleep for almost days at a time.
Things here got too hard, so she kicked me out when I was 13. I moved in with dad who lives right up the road and start
more later, stuff to do <3 |
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